For anyone who missed my shopping hour on JVC yesterday, it actually went out on Freeview channel 256 against
Britain’s Got Talent so here’s a quick glimpse of what you missed.
Corinne: Jake, it’s a real privilege to actually have you here in the JVC studio and on this hour we are looking at the joyous range of exclusive La Bouffant products. How are you my love pot?
Jake: Hello my darling. You can feel there’s a real buzz going on here at JVC today. Well Corinne, this is a real first on JVC because all our phone lines are already jammed with callers and we haven’t even begun our first item yet. I am going to be really honest with you now. The Bouffant range is not available in ANY shops so our lucky viewers are going to be the first to adorn their homes with these unique and eye catching creations. These have to be the quintessential items everyone desires. Katie Price has some of his items on her Christmas list and the royal family of Denmark are rumoured to have an ivory Bouffant valance.
Corinne:Wow! What great tastes those Danes have. Now JVC viewers can aspire to royal luxury. That’s the great thing about Jake’s La Bouffant hours here on JVC. Unleashing the possibilities for unlimited aspirational shopping.
Don’t tease us, tell us more Jake, I’m getting quite flushed with all the excitement.
Jake: Let me tell you Corinne, Monsieur Bouffant is specially commissioned to design for lots of famous celebrities as well as normal everyday people who watch JVC at home all day.
Corinne: Which celebrities Jake?
Jake: Oh really famous ones Corinne
Corinne: His work captures a really iconic style doesn’t it, I’m so excited. Oh my gosh Jake is that the first item? I don’t know if you can see that at home but the spectrum of colours coming of that are absolutely staggering. Get it out Jake, let our viewers see the full impact. Oh my word. That’s quite surprising. I had no idea it was going to be on such a generous scale.
Jake: I know Corinne. This is something quite extraordinary. Designed by Monsieur Bouffant himself and custom made in his ‘Lumiere’ workshop just outside Telford, Shropshire, this is item 5602, the Bouffant ‘Eclipse’ bowl. These will sell out fast and as I mentioned earlier you will not, I repeat, will NOT be able to buy these in any stores. Camera 3 can I get you to pan in close so the viewers at home can really experience this staggering Bouffant masterpiece?
Corinne: Now Jake, Monsieur Bouffant meant this to be a strictly limited design didn’t he?
Jake: That’s absolutely right Corinne, he did this one and decided not to design any more. Do you know what? Remember the candle collection you showcased on the 'Shambolique' hour? Well what a superb companion this would make to any living room. What do I know, you could even pop it in the garden somewhere.
Corinne: Jake I’m going to get one of these myself if there’s any stock left because there’s always a time when I have guests around and I think I know now what would really make their evening really special.
Jake: What’s that my darling?
Corinne: Stepping in the room and being able to look at an authentic La Bouffant bowl
Jake: What a wonderful surprise for your guests! You’d really be giving them a memorable evening that they will probably never forget. Remember viewers, you don’t just have to have this bowl at home. Oh no. I travelled to the Italian coast last year and you know something Corinne? Have you ever got to your hotel room and the bowls they provide are just so uninspiring?
Corinne: Oh I know. It can really put a dampener on any trip. I nearly died when I saw the one they left in my room last year in Tuscany.
Jake: Imagine not having any of that anxiety or disappointment, when you can easily pack your very own bowl from the Bouffant collexionne.
Corinne: The price is really outrageously low isn’t it?
Jake: Completely outrageous and Corinne, you don’t just get the bowl. Here at JVC all orders come with complimentary cloths to polish any of the items in the entire Bouffant range so they stay dazzling throughout your life. They are made from real organic Telford Felt.
Corinne: This bowl really could change our viewers lives couldn’t it? Just by making one simple call to JVC. It could be someones epiphany and new beginning. Especially with all this recession nonsense. What could perk someone up more? I’ll tell you, 9 easy payments and a bowl to treasure for a lifetime.
Jake: Well Corinne, we actually had a call from a lady from Hull last Thursday who wanted to share with us and all the JVC viewers how much the Bouffant range had turned around her life. Please do stop calling Mrs Hughes, you are frightening our call centre staff.
Corinne: Jake, you don’t have to put jewellery or fruit in the bowl do you?
Jake: Oh my god no. The possibilities are infinite Corinne. Really let yourself go with this item and do what you feel expresses your signature character the most. You might want to put keys in it, wine gums, walnuts, the possibilities are endless. Monsieur Bouffant himself suggests in his latest style bible, also available here at JVC, that you can put in daintily arranged pairs of ankle socks tucked into pairs. Doing something with such flair in a bowl really makes it your own definitive signature piece.
Corinne: Can I touch it?
Jake: Please do, it really will not break if you touch it with hands.
Corinne: It’s so bowl like isn’t it. Mmmm. Item 5602, Le Bouffant bowl is selling fast so Q jump us now and get yours. Maybe you have a christening coming up or an exam. Maybe you are just sat at home thinking what to buy next. It really doesn’t matter to us, just pick up that phone and dial.
It’s so bowl shaped and solid. Can you hear that noise when I tap it? That’s real glass is it not?
Jake: Sure is my darling. Corinne we’ve got 55 minutes left to showcase the rest of Le Bouffant offers and exclusives. Imagine when we lived without Monsieur Bouffant and his magical product ideas.
Corinne. Corrinne?
Are you still there?
The bus service that links me with my patch of suburbia and the nearest town proudly advertises it’s 10 minute frequency whilst always managing to make me wait at least ten minutes or often more at the bus stop. I never turn up at the bus stop and have a shorter wait. It’s always the full 10 minutes or more, ditching any probability that one day I’d turn up and board straight way. In real Truman Show style, I think Stagecoach have a camera pointed at my front door to ensure that I always miss the previous bus by seconds. It’s always a painful start to the day to see the previous bus drive away, so near and yet so far away.
