The Guardian: 24th Sept 2007

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My Tales of the Unexpected - Part 1

Aquarians like myself, are naturally drawn to all things eccentric and spiritual which is why, over the years, I have been to a small handful of tarot readings, psychic nights and clairvoyants. Many of these excursions to Madame La La have been more about a curiosity and entertainment value than getting answers to what has gone and is about to happen. "Cross my palm with silver, young man." Jake pauses as he stares at the gaudy frame on the wall of a tanned Lionel Blair posing with Madame La La. " Oh I see! You want my £10 note."

My sister also lent me a compendium of Doris Stokes autobiographies which were really good reads. Doris, rest her soul, was convinced that when we all pop off to 'that place' we all get to be with the people we loved and want to be with, look visually as we were at our peak and do things we most liked to do in our earthy lives. Apparently in one of her trances, Doris dropped in one day to that magical cloud and met a lady called Gladys that had recently passed. In her life Gladys had absolutely adored housework. Doris assured her living grandchildren down on planet earth to be rest assured, that she was up there, happy as anything, dusting away and uncabling the Hoover.

Back in my London days, I finished my busy publishing job and jumped on a train that headed somewhere near Hampton Court. I arrived in suburbia and had an hour's reading, complete with cassette, just in case I wanted to make a mental note of special lottery numbers, prominent names of my future acquaintances and lucky colours. The door opened revealing a heavily beaded, new age, British woman who looked more Glastonbury hippie than Madame La La. She shrieked to her 10 year old daughter who was hastily lighting incense sticks in their open plan kitchen. Suddenly in the voice of Eddie Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous, "Darling! Sweetie! Have you seen mummy's bindi?" I do remember one thing from the reading. This recent divorcee thought that a special god had sent her this 'gift' so she could continue in lifes journey and support her and her daughter because clients like me kept phoning, booking a session with her from the Yellow Pages. How true she was. Another £35 then.

Gill, a work colleague of mine picked up a flyer for a pub night that advertised TUESDAY: PSYCHIC NIGHT. She had been to the same event a few weeks prior at another local venue and thought it would be up my street and that I could even get 'healed'. When we arrived, I thought we had come to the wrong room as, (I say this phrase nicely), a 'family' were queuing noisily, rustling crisps, bleeping mobile phones and smoking. They just weren't the typical psychic audience. They took their seats in the back row whilst Gill and I sat, observing a hastily arranged tombola table and 'Jim' an elderly healer who looked like he should have been flogging furniture at a car boot sale. It also turned out later that this chavesque 'family' got a message from 'the other side' referring to an old mattress dumped outside their front door and one son that needs watching who is extremely 'special'.

I was open minded, up for a night of mysticism, messages and healing powers. I didn't have to be scared as I had no one over 'the other side' and the room was not at all scary because for the first 15 minutes on came flushed Trevor. He was our perspiring warm up act, murdering three songs from the musicals and a Pavarotti number along to a suspicious backing track. afterwards he told us how he had 'the gift' and that had let him tour working men's clubs nationwide. (Yes, even as far as West Yorkshire and darker parts of Preston.)

I decided to give Jim the healer, a miss when it was announced that funds donated to his services would be going to 'local' charities. He had nodded off at this point anyway. On came the first medium who looked more like a TV game show host than a psychic. Gill nudged me after half an hour as she had noticed that much of 'the audience' getting messages were spookily the same audience that she sat with at the previous show. There were many entertaining parts of the evening when the second act approached a middle aged couple with a dog in the second row. With closed eyes and microphone in hand, the waistcoated psychic spoke,

"I'm getting something. I feel it here. Hello my darlings. Feeling lots of love. Yes I feel a very strong sense of happiness here. Yes they are resting. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Paws. Walks. Four legs. Yes! I get a sense that this lovely couple here like dogs. OK, I'll be back to this side of the room if anything else comes through. Does anyone in the room recognize the name Brian?"

The best revelation of the night came to a young couple in the front row. The female psychic stood in front of them with her eyes shut pleading with the other voices from 'the other side' to stop being naughty and let her channel herself to the message from this particular set of relatives. She spoke to the couple in the audience holding her head as if she needed a paracetamol.

"Shut up Brian! Shut up! Not now Brian. Ok. Does their name begin with a C my darlings? Charles. Clarence. Clive? C. C. I'm getting a C. Not to worry it might come clearer in a minute. Do you know anyone on the other side with a name beginning with C?"

The couple said, "Erm. We've got a sister called Charlotte but she 'ent dead yet."

The psychic excitedly replied " Charlotte! ah ha! That's just the other side getting your attention. OK well they have a message for you and are sending out lots of love to you and your family."

The couple looked miffed said "erm OK"

"Yes. I'm really taken aback by feelings of love and life which are making me feel quite tearful. (Grabs a dramatic Kleenex) My darlings, I feel that in the next 12-18 months you will be making a decision. You are at a crossroads and you will choose to go left or right. The decision you make my lovelys will be the best one. I feel it. Does anyone in the room recognize the name Brian? Are you all sure? Well that's all for now, if you've not had a message then please come to our next event in Gloucester, tickets cost £20." Perhaps Brian will turn up then...

Next time in My Tales of the Unexpected Part 2: Jake's gypsy tarot reading on Blackpool Pier.